Are you driving the ugliest car in Britain?

The Pontiac Aztek: contender for world's ugliest car? Definitely!

I have already mentioned my dislike of BMW X series "sport utility vehicles" (see "what does your BMW say about you?" ), my reasons were to do with the perceived aspirational view of their owners. Recently, my automotive ire has been stirred by the number of fugly cars that have been launched. Ugly cars are of course, not a new thing, after all, who among us didn't feel a little sick when they first saw the Austin Allegro or TR7 in bile green/baby poo brown?

In the last few years however, even the most aspirational of brands have brought out some shockingly ugly cars, particularly those manufacturers of SUV's. Previously, 4x4's were honest, utilitarian vehicles, their truck-like bodies were somehow comfortingly agricultural or would carry check-shirted men with cement dust on their boots and a hard hat on the dashboard. The advent of the "Chelsea Tractor" changed all that, making 4x4's trendy.

But now every manufacturer wants a slice of this SUV pie, and they've even invented a new category of vehicle that we didn't know we needed, which has had a particularly rich seam of ugliness mined in its name: the crossover!

So, cue the TOTP music and sit back for my top ten nominations of Britain's ugliest cars:





No 10
there's a new favourite in the charts - the Jeep Compass Rallye; Chrysler's amateurish crossover looks like a "futuristic" car from one of those low budget Sci fi TV movies. Imagine when it pulls away it makes a sort of electric turbine noise. I mean really! Who thought this was a good idea?

No9 - The first porsche in my list (yes there are more than one) the Panamera apparently drives beautifully, but very difficult to get into with your hands over your eyes; in case you catch a glimpse of it through your fingers, be assured it's only disgustingly ugly in its totality, there are bits of it that are just ordinarily ugly.

No8 - MPV's have a hard time looking good, the sheer size of them makes it difficult to look like anything other than a minibus. Their breadvan-esque chunkiness appeal to PSV licence holders and large families, but recently manufacturers have tried to make them a "lifestyle accessory". My choice in this category, the Fiat Qubo reflects both the looks, and the marketing department's desperate attempts to make it funky and youthful: Fiat, I don't care how many good-looking kitesurfers you drape around that monstrosity, I can still see it!

No 7 - the second of my Porsche choices, and first of the SUV's; yes, it's the Cayenne. Ugly, lacking in interior space, and yet i have a sneaky admiration for this gargantuan tank GTI.







No 6 - now we're really into crossover SUV territory: Subaru have a reputation for dodgy looking cars (remember the "google-eyed" Impreza of 2001?), but their chief designer must've spilt tea on the designs of the Tribeca and not noticed til it was in production. Truly awful.

No5 - BMW X1: Honey I shrank the X5! Hmm, less of a crossover, a lot less! If you think the One series is overpriced and a bit ugly, then go for the X1 it's a lot more of both! Here's a photo of it pretending to drive offroad.

No4 - Once upon a time the pickup was the territory of those check-shirted, salt of the earth, hard helmet types I mentioned earlier. The Mitsubishi L200 used to be one of those honest, hard workers, but these days you're just as likely to see it outside the wine bar. Seemingly styled on the classic Silver Cross pram.



No3 - even at these heady heights of design atrocity there aren't many cars that can be said to look ugly from all directions, but the Ssanyong Rodius is a worthy exception. The original design brief, apparently, was to capture the essence of a luxury yacht, unfortunately they got the yacht photos mixed up with pictures of a supertanker.

  




No2 - how do you get four elephants in a Mini? Easy, just keep pumping at that little icon of the 1960's until it looks like a bloated parody of its former self!

Enter the Mini Clubman: who ate all the pies?



 

And now the moment you've all been waiting for...drum roll please; open the gold envelope etc.


No1 - What could be so ugly that it makes you start in shock every time you see it? The Nissan Joke, er Juke of course! Auto Express describes it as a marmite car, I think it's more of a tuna, nutella and chilli pickle sandwich car. It's not so much a case of love it or hate it, when you see it you either yelp painfully or laugh out loud. man this car is fugly! If you're really brave (and don't have a weak stomach) you can click on the picture to see it in its full glory

There were a lot of contenders that didn't make my top ten, among them the Jeep Patriot, the Range Rover Evoque, Nissan Cube and Suzuki Wagon R.
Next time I might consider a World's worst list; will the Pontiac Aztek be on it? Hell, yes!